So you want to be heard do you?
Being a master communicator isn’t generally something that you’re born with. You have to work at it. I’ve been mastering the art of communication for years and still I stumble from time to time. Some of the best lesson’s I’ve learned are here in this blog.

First, if you find that you are angry, frustrated, disappointed (insert your own feeling here) with someone in your life, you should tell them. I’m not talking about, “Hey Jerk Face, you left your dishes in the sink again. You are such a pig!” Try something like this…”Honey, I’ve noticed that I’m feeling angry when I see your dishes in the sink. It makes me feel like you don’t respect how hard I work to keep the kitchen clean when you leave stuff in the sink. I’m sure that is not your intention, but I wanted you to know that’s how I’m feeling”. Instead of getting all defensive, the person you are speaking to will hear what you say.

Try it… “It makes me feel ______ when you ______. I’m sure that wasn’t your intention, but it’s how I’m feeling”. Or, “I am noticing that I’m feeling frustrated with how you speak to me in front of my colleagues. I think it’s because you keep cutting me off. I’m sure it is not your intention to frustrate me, so I wanted to share how I’ve been feeling with you”.

Second, Check for understanding. Being married to a French man reminds me to check for understanding almost every time we speak. His English is excellent, but sometimes the way I phrase something doesn’t resonate. Ask the person you’re speaking to if they understood what you said. If they say yes, ask them to repeat it to you to ensure you were clear; especially if the matter is of high importance.

Third, When you’re trying to share your ideas with someone you work with or care about, instead of saying, “You should….” try “Have you ever considered…” This gives them the opportunity to tell you if they have and if it worked or not. It’s especially key if you are offering unsolicited advice in the workplace or to a friend.

Fourth, Say what you want. Sounds easy right? But most of us say what we don’t want.
Me: John, what would you like in a new job?
John: I don’t want a boss that micro-manages me. I don’t want to work weekends. I don’t want to be strapped for cash.
John is telling me everything he doesn’t want in his new job. So let’s give John’s words a makeover.
John: I want a boss who trusts me to do my job and gives me autonomy. I want weekends off to enjoy my family. I want enough money to pay my bills and put away $300 month in savings.

With your kids: Don’t Run! becomes, Walk in the house. Don’t spill the milk! becomes, Do your best to keep all of the milk in the glass or the container.

Just pay attention this week to how many times you say, “I don’t want…” It’s surprising. Make an effort to say what you want. It feels better and it sets your mind on the goal, whether that’s finding a job with weekends off or keeping the milk in the container and cup!

And Last, Turn your sights to the positive by shifting your typical, “How was your day?” to “What went well today?” Most of us go right to everything that went array when someone asks how our day was. So by asking your kids, spouse, colleagues, and friends, “What went well today?” you’re helping them shift to positive thinking. Positive thinking according to Dr. Martin Seligman in his book Flourish, is one way to build resiliency. (The ability to bend without breaking, and thrive after a traumatic event)

Share your thoughts and communication tips below!

I found myself rushing last week through every activity I did. Dropping the kids off, getting ready, working out, cooking dinner, reading stories… RUSH RUSH RUSH. I was frazzled by the end of the week and then through a series of unfortunate events, I heard the message, “Slow down Alexis”. It is easy to get caught up in the frenzy and you must be intentional about how you slow down. Here are some ideas for you to use.

Notice your personal frenzy
Is your heart racing? Are you stressed? Are you snapping at people who don’t deserve it? Are you thinking about things happening after the present moment constantly? Pay attention to what is happening for you and notice what’s happening.

Determine the cause
Why are you so busy, stressed, frantic? Is it because you over scheduled yourself? Are you making things mean more than they should? Are you putting things off to the last minute? Determining what is causing your personal frenzy will help you overcome it.

Okay, so how do you fix it?

Easy: Breathe, take three deep breaths and feel every cell in your body respond by relaxing.

Moderate: Cancel some things. Just clear things off your plate.

Difficult: Physically rest. Take a nap, read a book, take a walk, grab a coffee. Whatever feels the most restful do it.

Proactively slow your life down

1. Schedule some catch up time after trips.

2. If you must turn up the dial on productivity, either, prepare ahead of time or build in rest after.

3. Play! Go have fun and balance your hard work and efforts with some fun play; it’s rejuvenating.

4. Build a solid foundation. Get good sleep 7-8 hours a night, Eat foods high in vitamins and minerals, hydrate often and exercise. This will prepare to kick ass when needed without destroying yourself in the process.

Some people say a thing is not worth doing unless you do it well. When we’re rushing through life, we can’t enjoy the task at hand, we aren’t present and it’s not meaningful, so you might ask, “Why even do it”?
If you are going to take the time to do something, be present and enjoy it. Otherwise skip it. Life is too short.

Twitter Version: When you slow down the wine tastes better.

Learn to Say No Gracefully

“I’m interested in doing this next year”

“No”

“I don’t think it’s a good fit”

“Right now, I’m totally focused on getting xyz done, thank you for the opportunity”

“Gosh, I’d love to, but I promised myself I wouldn’t take on one more thing even if it was really cool”

“No”

“I’m flattered you thought of me, I can’t take advantage of that opportunity now and still deliver on what I’ve promised to do already”

“No”

“In an effort to practice what I preach and find some balance, I’m choosing to say no”

“Have you ever had to say to no to something you really wanted to do but didn’t have time to do? That’s what I’m going to have to do in this situation”

“Thanks, but no”

Protect your goals and your sanity, just say no.

Step One: Fall in love with yourself.
If you are self loathing, it will be hard for other’s to love you. Be honest with yourself about what you love and what you don’t love about yourself. Commit to taking action on the things you don’t love. No one else is going to complete you. Only you can do that.
Loving yourself will help you feel worthy of love which will make you less likely to settle for someone who is mediocre, or worse abusive on any level.

Step Two: Make a list of what you want.
List all of the things you want in a mate/partner/ spouse.
Ex. Loving, Funny, Financially Secure, Well Traveled, Educated, Spontaneous etc.

Step Three: For each of those adjectives, list three actions that would confirm they fit the description.
Example:
Loving – She/ He would make me a to go coffee on mornings when I’m late for work, She/He would listen to me without judging me, She/He would show affection regularly- kiss before bed, hugs when I return home.

This does three things:
1. It helps you gain a clear understanding of what you want. The list is easy, the actions to support the descriptions on the list are hard.
2. It creates a brain map which helps you to identify your ideal partner when you see them do things. (I want someone generous. Then when you’re out to dinner with friends and see him throw in a few extra bucks to cover tip, bingo! Confirmation track)
3. It helps you articulate what you want to friends, family members and colleagues, so people see a good match for you.

Step Four: Circle Your Deal Breakers
Get very clear on what you can and cannot deal with for the rest of your life. If you don’t ever what to live with a smoker, that’s a deal breaker. Want kids? Then that’s a deal breaker. (Warning, this is easier to do if you aren’t currently with someone) When we are with someone, we tend to let deal breakers slide vs. being honest about being able to live with them because it means that the relationship may not work.

Step Five: Follow Your Own Bliss.
Go do the things you love to do and release attachment from the outcome. You aren’t going to find an outdoorsman living in New York City.

Twitter Version: Get clear on what you want in a partner, know your deal breakers, do what you love.

It’s the end of the year again and it’s good time to reflect on what worked in 2011 and what didn’t work. If you’ve tried New Years Resolutions and they haven’t worked, I have a different approach for you. Resolutions can help determine what we want to change in 2012, but the immediate nature of applying them or “front loading the goals” generally ends in failure mid January.

This year think about what you want to do differently as a destination, not a starting point. Give yourself a year to get there, vs. trying to get there in a day…the day, January 1st. As my dear friend Gretchen Pisano says, “If you don’t know where you are going, any road will take you there”. So figure out where you are headed in 2012, and start lining up your life with those destinations. How you ask? Read on…

Step One: List your areas of focus
These tend to be things like, Health, Money, Love, Career, Family, Personal Growth etc.

Step Two: Ask yourself, “What do I want these areas to look like?
How is that different than they are currently? How is that the same? What will you maintain, what will you improve?

Step Three: Paint a visual picture in words for each category
This way you will know what it looks like when you’ve achieved it. There will be no question at the end of December if you’ve made it to your goal or not. Clearly defining your destination helps you get there.

Step Four: Ensure that your decisions and actions are in line with your destination
It’s kind of like creating a strategic plan for your life. All of your life decisions should ideally get you closer to where you are trying to go. If they don’t, they should be intentional decisions. For example: If you are driving from San Francisco to Washington DC, you might take a detour to see the Grand Canyon, even though, it’s not directly on the road to DC. You probably wouldn’t zig zag all over the US because you would never get to your destination. You should always ask yourself, does this decision get me closer to the life I want, or further from it? If it’s closer, do it, if it’s further away, take note, and decide if it’s really worth the extra time and energy.

Step Five: Take your focus areas into consideration when you invest your time, talent or treasure.
Will spending your energy, time or hard earned money on something get you closer to or further from your destination? Are you willing to drop $150 on a nice meal, but not willing to spend $10 on a yoga class? That action tells the world that you value becoming an epicurean more than you value developing a yoga practice. (Which is okay, if epicurean food goddess is your destination)

What I’m saying here in a nut shell is define where you are going, and then use 2012 to get there. If you arrive in April, Good on you. If you arrive in December, great you made it right on time. Back load your goals vs. front loading your resolutions. Writing resolutions and hoping to achieve them on January 1, is like trying to bake home made bread in a microwave.

Happy New Years to you and yours from me at Nourish Life and Business Coaching
Warmly,
Alexis Robin

Twitter Version: Define what you want to do differently in 2012, and use it as a destination. Then follow the road that leads you there!

Tell us what your focus areas are in the comments or on our Facebook Page facebook.com/nourishlifeandbusinesscoaching

Alternative to Resolutions Download
Alternative to Resolutions Sample

So ends another Sunday night, and a feeling of regret is creeping up as I think of what I didn’t get done. Two soccer games, a birthday party, five loads of laundry, one dinner party, house cleaning, trip to Apple Hill for the petting zoo, apple pie, pumpkins, corn mazes, homework, sight words, and a belated birthday call to my dad were the things I did finish. Whew! So, what I missed…

Daily meditation, vacuuming, church, more homework and so on. Life is the ultimate juggling act and how we think about it determines how we feel we’re doing. There are hundreds of things I would like to do on the weekend, but the reality is it’s just 48 hours. So what’s a person to do?

Start by knowing your bucket priorities…
When you kick the bucket, what do you want to make sure you’ve done? Spent quality time with your children, spouse, friends? Took good care of yourself? Chancing are you aren’t going to your final resting place thinking, “I wish I had vacuumed more.” Put those things first 75% of the time.

Next, be intentional about how you allocate your time on the weekend...
By the end of the week, the last thing you want to do is “plan” your entire weekend. But if you want to make the most of it, or enjoy your nap without guilt, then you have to consider what you want to get done, and how you are going to spend the weekend. I’ve wasted away hours of a weekend, sipping coffee while figuring out “what we are going to do this weekend.”

Don’t over commit…
If you’ve got multiple social functions and you can ditch one, do it. Trying to be all things to all people, events, parties wears on a person. Give yourself a pass if you have no down time available. Many times we go to events out of guilt or fear of what others will think if you skip it. I’m giving you permission to skip it.

Review how things went…
Did you finish everything you’d hoped to? If you missed something that was really important to you, reflect on why it happened. Did you put someone else’s needs before your own? Did you lack planning? Did you make a conscious choice to not do something? Decide how you’ll fix it next weekend.

And last but not least, give yourself a break…
Don’t beat yourself up because you skipped cleaning the bathrooms so you could take care of yourself, or play with a child. Pat yourself on the back for being the person you want to look back on at the end of your life.

Twitter Version: Juggling your life is about, knowing your priorities and intentionally scheduling your time.

If you find yourself stewing because your spouse isn’t helping with chores, or children or bringing home the bacon, ask yourself, “Have I told them what I need?”

It’s important to set expectations because without them, people have no road map for pleasing you.

Setting expectations tells people what you need. When you tell someone what your expectations are, it forces you to determine what you need. It also saves you from having an awkward conversation after someone is not living up to your hopes.

How to set expectations?
Think about what you need vs. what you want. Get clear on what is a priority and what is a “nice to have”. Then share them explicitly.

Who should you set expectations with?
Your Spouse
Your Kids
Your Friends
Your Students
People who work for you
Domestic help/ housekeeping and sitters
People who you are buying from/ Vendors
Pretty much everyone on some level

It’s not fair to get angry with someone who you haven’t set boundaries with. If you haven’t told your fiancée what you are hoping for in a partner, can you really hold them accountable when they don’t do everything you expected them to?

If you haven’t told your housekeeper that you want them to clean the blinds, fuming about it isn’t going to get your blinds clean; telling them will.

Why do you wait to talk to people about what you want them to do?
You want to avoid conflict, you are embarrassed, you feel bad when you tell people what to do, you don’t do it up front and it feels awkward afterward.

So to set yourself up for success: Think about what you need, prioritize what is most important and then tell people what you need.

If you are too afraid to say it to someone, write a list up.

If you are already waist deep into a relationship with someone who isn’t meeting your expectations, apologize for not setting expectations up front and let them know that you need to clarify your needs to set them up for success.

Don’t ever assume that people should know what you want or need. They don’t. Just tell them in a polite and assertive way, and you will reduce your frustration ten fold.

Twitter Version: In an effort to get what you need and reduce frustration, tell people what you expect.

For three years most people have been in survival mode. Trying to save their homes, trying to save their jobs, companies, savings accounts and anything else the economy could possibly take away. Rocking the boat or challenging the norm has become dangerous, and thinking about of the box during these times has been replaced by thinking about completing the work in the in-box. As a result we have slipped into the auto pilot mode, getting on and off of our hamster wheels each day and just merely surviving.

Well today I want you to wake up! I want you to break out of your mere existence and start to thrive right now. My colleague Michael Trotta at Sage Fire Coaching Institute was telling me about the seven sacred attributes this morning. These are taken from the native cultures of our past and used by him to assess people’s level of being fully alive.

People who are fully alive have: Quick Reflexes, Highly Developed Senses, Intense Curiosity, the Desire to Help Others, Deep Gratitude, A Feeling of Being Fully Alive, and Inner Peace.

Michael talks about waking people up by lighting their fires. Here are some ideas to light your fire…

Be Passionate: This can mean so many things. First, stand up in what you believe in and defend it. This doesn’t mean being closed to people, it means not being afraid to say what you believe in even if it goes against what everyone else thinks. Second, love with reckless abandon. Tell people you love them, tell them why, tell them often. Show affection to those who you love, forget being embarrassed, don’t let a day pass without telling someone how you feel about them.

Play Hard: Have fun, be playful, be silly. Don’t sit out your favorite song, dance and sing along. Think about things as a chance to play, like swimming in the lake, jumping off of a pier or floating dock, going to a group fitness class. These are all opportunities to play. Run after your dog, tickle your spouse, just have fun. You are never too old to stop playing. Last week, my mom and I went tubing together. We laughed so hard we cried for 10 minutes straight.

Be Aware: Part of being fully alive is being awake to what is happening around you. Notice the scent on the air, the noise in the background, the colors and light all around you, the energy others are putting out, and that you’re putting out. Notice where the breeze is coming from. Take a minute to enjoy the smell of your food before you eat it. Imagine the smell of fresh hot banana bread and rich coffee with milk. Use all of your senses to drink life in.

Be Powerful: I hear people say, “Well I can’t change that.” or “I wish things could be different than they are.” Great news, you are a powerful person. You, yep tiny ol you, have the ability to change the world, by first changing what you want. Start a foundation like my friend Indrani Goradia, Coach influential groups of people like my friend Gretchen Pisano, work to better the life of a child like my friend Rita McLaughlin in South Lake Tahoe. Use your gifts to create change, no matter how big or how small that change may be.

Know Your Purpose: Take time to think about why you are here on this planet. What are your gifts and how will you share them to make a difference. If you’ve never thought about it, just take a stab at it. Try on a few different purposes and see what feels best. If you don’t know where to start, think about what makes you really mad. Then ask yourself why? Your purpose probably lies in that situation.

Be Grateful: Look around at what you have right now. It’s likely a lot more than most people. I read a proverb once that said, “If you have health, you have hope, and if you have hope you have everything.” This is a good reminder of how important it is to take care of yourself.

Be Present: Maybe this is overused, but I can’t stress it enough. We always look back on how good things were. Think about what is good about right now. Don’t stop dreaming about the future, but do enjoy today.

Be At Peace: We are born knowing how to be at peace. If you are constantly stressed, start by listing what you can control and what you can’t. Take action on the things you can control and accept those that you can’t. Still not there, take 3 deep breaths. Need even more, go outside and sit in silence for 30 minutes. In the beginning, your thoughts will run like a ticker tape, but over time they will slow down and you will find peace.

Wake up! The world is waiting for you.

Twitter Version: To be fully awake you must be present, passionate and peaceful.

Start Here…

Step One: Get clear about what you want and why
Vagueness is not what you should strive for. Be crystal clear about what you want. I want to be happy won’t cut it. Ask yourself, what do I need to be happy? Why do I want to be happy? What will my life look like when I’m happy? I want a relationship? What kind? What will it mean when you have a relationship?
Be careful that what you say you want is your own. Avoid getting sucked into other people’s desires. If you catch yourself saying, “me too” a lot, you may need to check your personal desire meter.
You might think you want a new job, but really you want your boss to say thank you more.

Step Two: Define your ideal state
Let’s say you want to move into a new house. What is the ideal new house for you? What neighborhood, what elements would it have, how much light would it get, what would your neighbors be like, what would your garden look like? Before you start looking get clear about the ideal situation. If you are clear about your intentions and your ideal state, chances are you won’t settle. It will also ensure you know what it looks like when you find it.

Step Three: Check how you feel
When you describe your ideal state, the picture of what you want in it’s best form, does it make you feel anything? Are you excited? Are you stressed? Are you sad? If anything negative comes up, go back and be sure it’s what you want. Then be sure that you’ve gotten clear about why you want it, and what it is. Do this until your feeling state is positive.

Step Four: Create a road map

You know where you are starting so that is your starting point. You know where you are heading, so that’s your ending point. Work your way along the map adding way points, and milestones. Fill in the turtle steps in between the milestones. Soon you’ll have a plan!

Step Five: What to do when you get stuck?
You might get to a step on your road map that you aren’t sure how to navigate. That is when most people give up. But people like you who really want to get what you want out of life are not quitters. They RESEARCH! Let google be your own best friend. Now you can actually type your question in, and loads of responses pop up. If you don’t get what you’re looking for ask your friends on facebook. There are a ton of avenues to research, so just keep digging.

Step Six: Visualize the end state

When the documentary on the power of attraction, The Secret came out a few years back, many people myself included, thought that if I just wished hard enough, and visualized every day that all of my hearts desires would fall in my lap. Well that is BS my friends. What the power of attraction is about is doing everything you can to clarify what you want, set an intention to get it and then work like hell to make it yours. Many times along the way in my life, I’ve done everything I could possibly do to make my dream come true and then I got to a place where I could do no more. That is when the small miracles appear. When you have put yourself fully into the process and then life gives you miraculous boost. My friends call it, Synchronicity. So visualize what you want and imagine how it will feel to be there, what you will be like there and then work hard to get there.

Step Seven: Begin acting like you already have what you want
Think about what you’ll need when you find the perfect house, meet the perfect partner, land the perfect job. I personally am working on buying a chateau in France to run my coaching institute and a swanky little bed and breakfast. So what am I doing now? Learning to speak French fluently. I am doing Rosetta Stone every day. I’m checking out chateau’s so I know what the market has to offer. I’m talking about it to everyone. Do not wait for your dream to land in your lap, go out there and get it! Life’s too short to wait around.

Oh and the last step… Tell everyone who will listen what you are after. You never know when someone who is listening might be able to help you out!

Twitter Version: Define what you want, make sure it’s your idea, work your tail off.

The Art of Good Living Part Two –

Honoring Thyself

I recently posted a comment on facebook, “Where in your life are you not giving 100%” and a friend posted back, “To myself. I need to start taking care of myself”.
Today is all about taking care of yourself, tuning into your own needs, honoring your body, mind, spirit and soul.

When some one say’s it’s hard to take care of myself or selfish, I often think, “rubbish”. But then after reflection I realize that doing this is simple not easy. So today I want to give you some insight onto how to honor yourself.

Insight One: Tune into your body’s messages
The easiest way to start honoring yourself is to listen to your body. Is it saying, I’m hungry, I’m tired, I’m sore, I’m tense, I’m dying to use the loo? We often ignore our most carnal urges in an effort to get things done, be efficient, suck it up. Imagine if your 5 year old said, I’m hungry and you said, well we have to do an hours worth of work before you can eat. Or, sorry honey, just five more emails, then I’ll take you to the potty. We wouldn’t do that to them, so we shouldn’t do it to ourselves.

Action One:
Day One – Notice your body’s messages
Day Two – Act within 5 minutes of receiving a message 50% of the time
Day Three – Act within 5 minutes 75% of the time
Day Four – Begin proactively planning for 100% compliance with what your body needs.
Ex. Pack snacks, build in time for a rest.

Insight Two: Tame your brain
Our brains send us reeling when things go sideways in life. The old detrimental thoughts defeat us, our inner lizard or the worrier in us, goes into full hamster wheel mode when we sense fear and some days it feels as if we are just the whipping boy of our thoughts.
Learn to recognize when your thoughts are creating negative emotions and investigate the thought. I say “lean into it” when you have a bad feeling.

Action Two:
When a negative emotion comes up, “lean into it” and notice where it’s coming from? What is getting to you? Keep asking yourself Why? until you can get to the bottom of the issue. Learn when it’s reality that’s upsetting your or when it’s your thoughts about what reality should be that’s upsetting you. A great resource for this work is Byron Katie. Find her at www.thework.com

Insight Three: Be your own best friend
Treat yourself like you’d treat a treasured friend or your own child. Be kind, use loving words when you talk to yourself, allow yourself a break now and again, forgive yourself easily, don’t force yourself to go out if you want to stay in, believe in yourself and encourage yourself.

Action Three:
Write yourself a love letter. Tell yourself about all of the reasons why you like yourself. When you catch yourself speaking negatively, gently forgive yourself and ask, “would I say that to a friend, a family member or even a co-worker”? If the answer is no, well why would you tell it to yourself.

Insight Four: Honor your physical body
Fuel yourself with healthy food daily. Break a sweat by moving, dancing, running; just do it. If something hurts you, back off, if something’s too easy, push harder. Breathe fresh air, stretch your muscles often, get a good night’s sleep and drink a lot of water.

Action Four:
Make one healthy choice today, take the stairs once, park at the far end of the parking lot. Extra Credit: Go an extra five minutes during your work out.

Insight Five: Nourish your spirit and soul
Rest. Rest. Rest.
Tell yourself the truth. Lying to yourself is agonizing to your well being.
Find opportunities to be wordless
Love. Love. Love
Hug a child or a spouse until you feel your body relax
Dream of a bold future and the possibilities it holds
Savor. Savor. Savor

Action Five:
Take a nap, savor a moment, think of what you’re grateful for.

The Twitter Version of this blog… Honor thyself, through listening, being honest, loving, resting and savoring.
Repost if you agree!

Life is better on The Bright Side.